


Without a Clue

by cliffordsdream



Series: Without a Clue [2]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Dad!Niall, F/M, Kid Fic, M/M, Major Character Injury, PLOT TWIST WHEN THE HIATUS WAS ACTUALLY 18 MONTHS, PTSD, as in lots of cute lil babies, descriptive depictions of mental illness, mentions of alcoholism and drug abuse, mentions of domestic violence, mentions of rape and sexual abuse, pls ignore the elounor if you hate it it's only there if you squint, terminal illness, the boys are starting to settle down but they've come back after the hiatus
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-29
Updated: 2017-10-05
Packaged: 2018-12-08 07:22:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11641722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cliffordsdream/pseuds/cliffordsdream
Summary: Niall's secretive, always has been, but no one could've ever guessed that he would hide something this big. It turns out trying to cope with your past is a lot harder when you're hiding from the entire world. His ex-best friend sees through the lies.or the one where niall's just trying to get through the day and demi thinks he deserves more than that.(warnings are tagged. anything that says "mentions of" isn't actually in the story, only referred to as past events)





	1. The Fatherly Boy

It seemslike I should feel comfortable arriving at an arena where I've performed a couple of times before, but honestly I couldn't be more nervous. I'm not the one performing, and I suppose that's the reason I'm nervous; does that even make sense? One Direction is performing the second to last show before the end of their 2017 tour tonight. I haven't talked to any of them in years, but since we're lined up to collaborate on a new song sometime in the next year, they thought it would be a good idea for me to come to their last two shows to get a feel for their new sound, both of which being at the O2 Arena in London.

A security guard opens my car door far faster than I'd like, forcing me to choke down any of my nerves and climb out of the car, thanking him quietly before hurrying through the rain and into the door being held open for me at the back of the arena. It takes nearly twenty minutes for me to be escorted to the dressing room where the boys are being held tonight, a ridiculous amount of people swarming around the room, most of them laughing or talking quietly amongst themselves.

"Demi! Glad you could make it!" A voice sounds behind me. I turn my head to see Louis, already dressed in his stage clothes, smiling at me gently as he walks over. 

"Thanks for inviting me." I tell him and he simply shrugs, slipping his hands into his pockets. He looks as if he's about to respond, but he's distracted by the loud yell of a child.

"Daddy!"  Louis looks around the room instantly, obviously recognizing the small voice. Not seconds later, a toddler slams into his leg, grasping onto it for dear life. Louis laughs at this, bending down and scooping up the child in his arms, giggles radiating throughout the room. If I'm right, Louis has one kid: Jamie. I haven't seen Jamie since he was only a few months old, but this little boy is definitely him. In this industry, being twenty-six and already having a two year-old son and a wife is going pretty fast. I don't know how he keeps up with tours and work while still finding the time to be with his family. It's definitely admirable.

Not long after that, Louis' wife walks into the room and spots him instantly, walking up to us and greeting him quietly. I've never really understood how such a quiet person married Louis. I don't know how she deals with his boisterous nature while being so shy, honestly, but I guess there's a person for everyone.

I'm surprised to see that Eleanor is decently pregnant, hand resting against the swell of her stomach as she leans her head against Louis' shoulder. I honestly had no idea that she and Louis were expecting their second child. However, Eleanor is still one of the most gorgeous people I've met, even whilst being evidently uncomfortable. It's interesting to see Louis place Jamie back on the floor and rub the small of Eleanor's back gently as he murmurs a few things to her. I guess he  _does_ get a bit quieter when talking to her, a gentleness in his voice that is nonexistent otherwise.

"Demi, you know El." Louis mentions with his eyes raised, like he's wondering if his statement is true. Eleanor blushes a bit and smiles at me when I nod. Back when I dated Niall, I went to quite a few One Direction concerts, hanging out with Eleanor backstage when we both inevitably got bored. Where is Niall, actually? Looking around the room, I spot both of the other boys, but not Niall. He's nowhere to be found. I was really hoping to talk to him before the show. It's been a while, and I can't deny that I've missed his loud, energetic chatter.

"Jamie, love, please get up." Eleanor asks her toddler gently, the little boy sprawled out on the floor as he struggles to hold onto Louis' foot. Everyone seems to notice the child and just carefully steps over or around him as they walk around the room, but I can see why Eleanor would be nervous about it. Louis seems to take things into his own hands and bends down to lift Jamie up off the floor and into his arms, the little boy giggling loudly as Louis tickles his sides. Jamie seems to be quite the handful, very energetic and  _very loud._ However, if Eleanor can deal with Louis, she can most certainly deal with this miniature version of him.

"You look great, Eleanor, honestly." I tell her softly, and she gives me a sweet smile, holding onto both of my hands shortly after.

"If I'm being perfectly honest, I feel quite shit." Eleanor murmurs me quietly with a laugh, and I join her. It's so odd to hear such a quiet girl swear, and Louis notices it just like I do.

"Do you want to go home then, Love?" He asks, rubbing at her sides yet again. She drops my hands and directs her attention to her husband, smiling and shaking her head, stating that she'd like to watch the show. I chat with Eleanor and Louis for just a bit longer before beginning to rotate around the room, eventually finding a spot to sit down away from the madness: a couch in the corner of the room.

I can't help but look up every once in a while to see if I can catch a glimpse of Niall, but he still hasn't shown up after thirty minutes of socializing in the room. Liam and his wife, along with Harry, his sister, and Eleanor and Louis are all present, more siblings, family members, and business people also littering the room, yet no Niall. It just seems odd to me. Niall's always at the center of everything, and it just doesn't make much sense that he'd miss this party of sorts being thrown in his honor before the show. Something feels so off about this whole thing. I can't quite put my finger on it, but Niall seems to be intentionally missing. No one mentions him, and no one seems to notice his absence. It worries me.

About an hour to show time, I start to get nervous. Niall still hasn't shown up. The boys are going to leave soon to get ready for the show and such, but I wanted to talk to Niall. I can't stand it anymore, so I work up the nerve to walk up to Liam and his wife, them chatting away with an older couple at the side of the room. Liam smiles at me warmly as I walk up to the group. He's always been very inviting.

"Hey, do you know where Niall is?" I ask quietly, only directed towards Liam. He looks at me apprehensively as his wife and the couple continue chatting without him. He nods slightly, signaling that he does know where Niall is, but for some reason something's off. Everyone is being so weird.

"He was feeling quite ill earlier, so I suppose he's in his dressing room. I'm sure he'll show up if he starts feeling better, though. Don't worry, you can always see him after the show." Liam says quite instantly, as if he had that answer prepared before I even asked the question. He knows how close Niall and I used to be. I suppose that makes sense. I feel bad for Niall, though. He never wants to miss a good party, and I hope he feels better soon.

The room starts to feel incredibly boring incredibly fast when I realize Niall most likely won't be showing up any time soon, if he's still ill at least. All the important business people have left, only the giggles of little siblings and children, along with a few cousins, bouncing around the room. I've always admired the boys' backstage area; it's always so lively and full of family. It's nice.

I sit on the couch in the corner of the room again, away from all the busyness of it all, Liam joining me a bit later. We sit there quietly, not talking, just watching Louis wrestle with his little brother and Jamie in the middle of the room, little laughs regularly erupting from the children. That's when Niall comes in.

Niall's hair is just a bit grown out, and not styled up like it usually is. It's curled across his forehead naturally, still blonde, still youthful. He's only twenty-three after all. That's not the first thing I notice about him, though. There's a tiny child on his chest, sleeping quietly as Niall walks across the room, not stopping to talk to or even look at anyone.

The little boy is obviously a bit younger than Jamie if his size is anything to judge by. He's got bright blonde hair, but that's all I can see from his position against Niall's shoulder, facing away from me. Niall's got his head resting against the small child's as he walks further into the room, me watching curiously. Niall places the little boy in a pop-up sleeper that I hadn't previously noticed in the corner of the room.

"Who's that?" I ask Liam, nodding my head towards where Niall's running his finger along the child's cheek, obviously making sure he's still asleep. Liam leans in towards me, a confused look on his face.

"The baby?" Liam asks, and I nod, "Our set manager's baby. Niall watches him sometimes." Liam says causally. I nod at his statement even though it doesn't really make much sense to me. Wouldn't Niall be busier than his set manager? Why would he watch his set manager's baby if he's got far more things to do? I accept Liam's explanation nonetheless, and simply continue watching Niall. It's so odd to see him again. I've always been close with Niall, or at least I used to be. I don't think I've even seen him in person for at least two years, though, maybe more; it's probably been about that long since I've talked to him.

The dark bags under his eyes suggest an utter lack of sleep and he seems to be running on his last bit of fuel. Maybe he's taller and decently more muscular, but besides all of that, nothing else seems to have changed. He's still Niall, and it comforts me a quite bit to see him here. I'm slightly upset when he doesn't come to talk to me, though; he just stands over by the sleeping child and leans against the wall, scrolling through something on his phone absently. I can't help but watch him, though, the sight of him a bit unfamiliar after so long.

Eventually, Niall begins to move, and I immediately regret ever wishing he would come over to me. He sits down right in between Liam and I, filling the once empty space between us. He leans into Liam and asks him something quietly, I can't hear what, and Niall waits for Liam to respond before sitting back up. Niall looks over at me then, curiously, hesitantly. He doesn't say anything for a moment, eyes searching my face for something—I'm not sure what—before he smiles slightly at me. It's not Niall's usual smile. His eyes don't crinkle up, nor does the dimple in his left cheek appear. It's just  _off_ , just a little unsettling.

"S'been a while." Niall says, his voice a bit scratchy and thick with sleep.

"Yeah." I agree, studying his face carefully. He looks surprisingly older, yet still so young. I've missed him probably more than I'd like to admit.

"To be perfectly honest, I don't think anyone told me you were coming." Niall tells me, and I nod. I suppose that's a bit odd as the rest of the boys clearly knew I was coming, but I accept the statement nonetheless. At least he wasn't just avoiding me in his dressing room like a small part of me felt he was.

"Liam said you're sick; are you feeling better now?" I ask, even though I'm decently sure I know the answer. He looks ill still, or at least exhausted. I feel bad that he'll have to do a show like this. 

"A bit, yeah." Niall replies, but the words come out a bit weird. Everything he's said has had this off feel to it. I can't quite put my finger on it.

"Why are you babysitting while you're sick?" I ask him then, a bit confused. I know I wouldn't want a child of mine to be around someone ill. Niall's got plenty of things to do today as well, so I'm just decently confused why he's watching that baby.  Niall seems confused at my question, then looks over to Liam, leaning over and whispering something into his ear. Liam just shrugs in response and I'm still decently confused, but I just wait for Niall's reply.

"He's sick as well." Niall tells me then, but I'm not really buying it. He's being so weird. The child Niall just brought into the room coughs then, though, and suddenly Niall doesn't seem to have any interest in talking to me anymore. He's looking at the child, watching it toss and turn restlessly as it lets out a few more frail little coughs. I feel bad for the tiny child. Whether he's ill or not, the little boy is evidently slightly distressed, and that is definitely affecting Niall as well.

"You alright?" I ask, but Niall's not really paying attention to me anymore. That's what's been off with him actually, I think. He's talking to me, but he's not really paying attention to me. He's looking through me, not at me. It's weird for Niall. I've never,  _ever_ experienced him do anything like this.

"Yeah." Niall mumbles as he stands. It's obvious he's talking to me, but you'd never know that if his words weren't replying to my question. He's walking away then, straight to the child in the corner of the room. He picks up the tiny boy, little blonde curls pressing into Niall's neck. Niall's gone just as quickly as he appeared. I look at Liam, extremely confused, and he only gives me a sympathetic smile. It's obvious he knows far more than I do about this whole situation. I know that that little boy is Niall's, though. If Niall wanted to hide that evident fact he probably should be a bit less obvious about it.

"That's Niall's baby, isn't it?" I ask Liam, and he just nods, knowing full well that I already know the answer to my question. It just doesn't make much sense to me, though. Niall's a  _dad_. Niall's got a little, blond toddler who the public doesn't know exists. I won't even ask how that's possible because I'm sure it's taken a lot of money and effort to keep that kid's existence as quiet as they have. I can't help but think they've got to be hiding something about Niall and that baby, then. Why else would they try so hard to hide something like this?

"Why'd you lie to me?" I ask then, just bit annoyed. It's incredibly obvious that the kid is Niall's, and if they didn't want me to find out about him, they shouldn't have allowed me back here with them. I guess I understand that it would be insanely easy for this to get out, and it's a bit irrational to believe I deserved to know about something Niall's kept so private. I guess I just figured our past meant more than it really does.

"It's not my secret to tell." Liam says. I nod then, supposing that I can't really blame Liam for that. Niall's the one that chose this, and when I realize that, I can't help but feel a little hurt. Niall was my  _best friend_. I just figured that still counts for something, but it's evident now that I've missed so much more of Niall's life than I originally thought.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


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Niall doesn't show up again before the show. I know exactly where he is, of course, but I can't talk to him. He's tucked away in his private dressing room, and I really don't want to bother him. I'm not sure what he's going through right now; I don't know if it's something long-term or he's just had a bad day. I leave him be for a couple of hours, electing to wait until after the show to try to speak with him again. I can't help wanting to talk to him. Just because we're not close like we used to be doesn't mean I don't care about Niall anymore. He's one of the most amazing people I've ever met, and I hate that there's something evidently going on with him.

Watching the concert, you'd never guess that Niall wasn't acting like himself. He laughs and smiles and runs around with the boys like he always did before. I suppose maybe he was just stressed about something earlier. The boys didn't seem all that concerned about him, so it can't be something that serious, right? I'm not really sure what to think now _._

 _Niall is a father_. It's not hard to figure out how who the child's mother is. Niall got married insanely young. At only twenty years old, he decided he knew who he wanted to be with for the rest of his life and married his childhood best friend. They were married for hardly a year before she died. The boys went on break for a few months after that, I assume to let Niall get back to hisself. It seems that there's a lot I don't know about this situation and it's evidently a bit touchier than I previously thought.

I catch a glimpse of Niall's son close to the end of the show. I had come backstage after watching from the audience for the majority of the set and seen the little boy playing with Louis's eldest sister, Lottie, backstage. No one else seems to be curious about the child. I'm really not sure how every single member of the crew here could know about Niall having a baby and it not get out to the public. The scope of this secret is something I can't even comprehend.

I forget about the tiny boy until he starts to cry. I look from the stage back to Lottie to find her holding the boy, his face red, head resting against her shoulder. He's holding out his tiny hand palm up, and I notice Lottie looking at it intently. She presses a few kisses to it dramatically, and the toddler's cries begin to soften. I think he might have fallen down and scratched it but I'm not sure.

The crowd cheers loudly then, so I only watch Lottie and the child for a moment more before deciding to see what the boys must be doing to generate such a response. When I turn my head, however, the only thing I see is Niall. The other boys are right behind him, all of them a bit sweaty and out of breath. Niall makes eye contact with me for only a brief moment, and I almost think he's going to talk to me, but he doesn't. Niall walks right past me and straight to his son, speaking in a soft voice when he notices the little boy is upset.

"What's wrong, bud?" Niall asks gently, holding out his hands when the toddler begins leaning dramatically out of Lottie's arms and towards Niall, reaching his hands out and whining a bit through his tears. The whole thing only confirms that Niall's this baby's father. A child would only react like that to a parent or grandparent, never just a passing babysitter.

"My hurt." The little boys says, showing Niall his palm. Niall frowns dramatically and inspects the little fingers in front of him, kissing the tip of each and then the tiny palm a few times.

"All better?" Niall asks, and the toddler nods, tears still in his eyes as he hiccups a bit, trying to stop his tears. I can't help but feel a bit proud of Niall, honestly. I've never thought of what he might be like as a father. Here he is, though, holding his child like he's done it a million times before because  _he has_. He looks confident in what he's doing and he soothed his child instantly.

"Thank for watching G again, Lotts. I swear I thought Kelly'd be here today." Niall says to her, his son laying against his shoulder now.

"It's fine, honest. Want me to take him while you change?" Lottie asks, but Niall shakes his head with a polite smile. He turns around then, and I think he realizes I'm standing there and he's just completely confirmed that tiny boy in his arms,  _G_ apparently, is his son and not Kelly's. Niall glances at me for a moment before he walks past me, completely silent. I can't stand how awkward everything feels between us. It was  _never_  like this before. He has never been this distant. I know that things have changed between us, but one thing that hasn't changed is how much I care about him.

I'm not planning to find Niall after the show anymore. He seems a bit overwhelmed with something, and I really don't want to bother him. I'll be at the show tomorrow as well, so that might be a better time to talk to him. It's an accident, really, running into Niall as I'm beginning to leave. He's in the main dressing room with his child,  _G,_  I remind myself.  I wonder what G stands for, if it stands for anything at all or it's merely a nickname given to the toddler. I couldn't help that I'd left one of my bags in that room, and I also couldn't help that Niall and his son were the only other people there when I arrived.

A soft humming echoes through the empty room as I enter, curiously looking for the source of the noise. I smile softly at the sight in front of me as I come across Niall carrying G, rocking him and humming to the small child. The baby's eyes droop dramatically as Niall keeps whispering the soft tune. His eyes come in contact with mine and it's harder than I feel it should be to look away from his stare.

I watch in silence as Niall walks around the room, picking up a small jacket, blankets, pacifiers, and many other little items belonging to his child with practiced ease, managing to never falter in the continuous humming. By the time he's finished packing up all of G's things, the toddler is sleeping peacefully against Niall's shoulder. Niall kisses his son's head ever so softly before gingerly placing a tiny, maroon beanie over his son's curls to keep him away from the windy London air outside.

"That's impressive." I note as Niall lifts a small blue bag over his shoulder, dinosaur key chains rattling as they hit his back. He looks up at me before shifting the baby a bit, smiling.

"Just had a lot of practice, I suppose." He notes, walking over to me, allowing me to finally get a good look at G. My heart simply melts at the sight of possibly the cutest baby I've ever seen. His mouth puckers lightly as he sucks on his pacifier, cheeks tinted a rosy pink and eyelashes falling over his extremely small, yet very chubby, cheeks. The color of his light blonde curls probably doesn't come from Niall, but the soft, curly texture is extremely similar to his father's. Even as the child sleeps, anyone could see the resemblance between G and Niall.

"He looks like you, you know. You probably should invest in some plastic surgery if you don't want people to know he's yours." I say quietly, making sure not to wake G. Niall smiles slightly at that, avoiding my gaze and leaning his head up against G's. I realize then how odd it actually is that I didn't know about this toddler. If Niall so much as gets a sandwich it makes the news so I wonder how much effort it really takes to keep G hidden.

"Sorry I lied to you. That was stupid. I know you'd never say anything. Guess it's just a habit to say he's not mine. You didn't deserve that, though, not after our history." Niall mumbles into his child's curls, and I smile. I know Niall'd never lie to me because he thought I'd betray him. No matter how far apart we've grown, he's always going to be my best friend. I'm always going to love him, and I'd never intentionally hurt someone that means so much to me.

"You never told me his name, you know." I tell Niall then, and I'm relieved to see a slight smile on his face. I really hope he doesn't feel like I'm asking questions that are too personal. God, I never thought it'd ever get to the point where something could be  _too_  personal to ask Niall. I never thought we'd grow that far apart.

"Oh," Niall pauses, evidently surprised that I haven't figured it out,"Uh, this is Grayson."  Niall nods his head towards his child, and I smile. So, that's what G stands for: Grayson. It doesn't really seem like something Niall would choose for his child, but I suppose there must have been two people who had input on that aspect of the tiny boy.

"How old is he?" I ask softly, a smile growing on my face shortly after because Niall's face lights up as he talks about his son.

"Two. Well, two-and-a-half." Niall murmurs but stops when Grayson begins to stir, blinking awake then glancing curiously at me with huge blue eyes outlined in green. His little freckles crinkle as he squints his eyes closed and lifts his head, turning to look at Niall. Niall smiles down at his son, kissing his forehead before Grayson starts to whimper.

"Don't be like that, bub." Niall pouts out and attempts to rock his child back to sleep. I watch as Grayson's tiny hand lays flat against Niall's chest, and I can only think there's no way this tiny boy is two years old. Jamie is two years old and he's far larger than Grayson. This toddler is small, a bit chubby and absolutely adorable, but not large enough to be two-and-a-half years-old.

"Isn't he a little small for his age?" I ask, and Niall looks up from his son, nodding.

"Yeah, he was a micro-preemie. Still hasn't caught up to other kids. He's getting there, though. I'm working on it."  Niall clarifies, and I nod. I suppose that makes sense. I wonder how early a baby has to be to be classified as a micro-preemie instead of simply premature, though.

"I've missed a lot, then, haven't I?" I ask, and the silence in the room is deafening. Niall's got his bottom lip pulled between his teeth, a solemn look on his face. He doesn't look at me, but nods. He seems so off then, so distant. I hate how weird things have got between us, and for a brief moment, I wish I had never let us grow apart. I wish I still knew everything about him. I wish I still knew what he liked to eat in the morning and his favorite thing to do on his days off. I wish I knew what was important to him and what he wants to do with the rest of his life. I used to know all of that about him. I used to be close with him.

"I'm sorry about that, you know. I'm sorry that happened." I say. I can't help but feel bad about it. Niall seems so lonely right now. He's quiet and guarded and I've never seem him act like this before. Niall is the one who makes people laugh. Niall's the one that brightens up your darkest days. Niall's isn't like this. He isn't nervous and quiet. He's not the responsible one, and he's not the shy one. Here he is though, the complete opposite of the person I knew so well only a few years ago.

"Yeah." Niall whispers, resting his head against Grayson's. I feel even worse then. Niall looks so incredibly upset. What's happened to him while I've been gone? What happened when I left him all alone? He wasn't alone at first, of course.

"I never called after Mallory, Niall. I should have. I'm sorry." I say then, and Niall just shakes his head.

"Calling wouldn't have brought her back, Demi." Niall says, emotion gone from his voice. His words are sharp, cutting deep the second I hear them. God, what am I doing? I'm only making it worse. I know I shouldn't have brought up Mallory. Grayson's got to be hers as well. It only makes Niall's situation seem that much worse now that I know the truth. Not only did Niall lose his wife at twenty-one, he lost the mother of his child. He's a single dad now, and he's got to look at this little boy every single day and see her in him. I don't know how he does it. It can't be easy. 

It's a bit odd then, what happens next. Niall leaves. He doesn't say anything else to me. He walks out of the room completely silent, leaving me alone to think about how horrible that entire conversation just went. I want to cry. I can't help it. Niall's evidently upset with me. I never wanted that. I don't think I've ever hurt him before, at least not intentionally. I feel the tears welling up, but I stop them. Niall might just be having a bad day. I have to remember that and hope that tomorrow will be better.

I walk out into the hall, the bag I came to get seeming far more insignificant now. I wish I'd just left it there and never ran into Niall. I wish I'd never upset him. I can see Niall up ahead in the hall, silent as he walks apart from the keychains dangling against his back.  Niall seems so small and fragile, as if the child in his arms is nothing more than a mirror image of himself, a glimpse of what's inside: a scared, lonely boy looking for an escape route without a clue in the world of how to find it.


	2. The Different Boy

Maybe it's the way the stagehands are rushing around, or maybe it's just the last show jitters, but I can definitely tell something's off as I step into the arena the next day. The relaxed crew that I saw yesterday is seemingly nonexistent as I look at them yelling and running backstage, tripping over wires with sneakers squeaking over the smooth floor. The boys have been tucked away in their private dressing rooms for reasons unknown to me, and I am stuck wandering awkwardly stage-side all by myself. It's a bit odd for them to be so secluded and private during the last show of their tour. It's usually a big event in my experience.

The first _(of many)_ odd things I notice about this show is sound check, which consisted of a few crew members and the instrumental band on stage, tapping annoyingly at the microphones and occasionally saying a few test sentences. I know for a fact that the boys are here, so why are the crew doing something formally done by the boys? The next thing I notice is that the opening act didn't go on when they were supposed to. I wait, and _wait_ , but the show never starts. Thirty minutes after _One Direction_ was set to be on stage, I catch a glimpse of Niall's personal security whom I was introduced to yesterday, talking the tour manager. The woman—I can't quite place her name—seems insanely worried as Niall's body guard, Basil, speaks sternly to her. They only speak briefly with one another, but it seems like they spoke about quite a bit, and the second Basil turns around and walks away from the woman, she begins giving directions to all of the people around her and backstage livens up dramatically, one member of the opening act grabbing his guitar from a stagehand.

I know I probably shouldn't follow Basil back to where Niall is, which is where I assume he's going, but I can't help my curiosity, and since no one is telling me anything, _why not?_ I watch carefully as Basil walks through the maze of hallways and enters a door not far from the dressing room they were in yesterday. I walk softly across the floor, quiet enough not to draw attention to myself.

Before I can even _think_ about stopping myself, I'm knocking on the door, waiting impatiently for answers that I won't get anyways. Basil opens the door, slipping out next to me with a confused expression, his jacket accidentally brushing my shoulder. Basil heads down the hall and then Niall's cousin, Willie, comes to the door, smiling warily at me. His smile lasts only seconds before I hear a few choked sobs and shuddered breaths coming from the dressing room, and I attempt to peer behind him. The second Willie sees me looking for an explanation, though, he stands directly in my line of sight, blocking my view of the surprisingly clean dressing room.

"What’s going on?" I ask, trying to covertly peer around Willie. I'm not even sure if Willie remembers me. I've only met him once before.

"Nothing, Niall's just getting ready for the show. He'll be out soon." He tells me casually, but with an obviously anxious look on his face, glancing from the door to me. I move quickly to the left, getting in a small glance of the room, instantly pushing Willie out of the way and forcing myself into the room once I catch a glimpse of what's inside. Niall is sitting on the couch against the back wall of the room, shaking with tears in his eyes, Louis sitting next to him. Louis doesn't look fairly happy right now, a proper scowl etched into his features as he speaks to Niall, his hand touching Niall's shoulder a few times as he evidently tries to get Niall to listen to him. Louis obviously doesn't know shit, and him grabbing at Niall so harshly only seems to distress Niall more.

 

 

 

 

_Niall's having a panic attack._

 

_They're doing nothing to help him._

 

 

 

 

Niall continues to shake from the sobs racking his body, while Louis and Willie just watch him suffer. I've finally realized that Louis' just trying to coerce Niall to get ready to go on stage, to suck it up and go give their fans what they paid for. It pisses me off instantly. Doesn't he know anything? I try to think of everything I can to help Niall, but the pleading glances in his eyes leave me distracted, pulling me in and breaking my heart.

When having a panic attack, you either want no one to touch you, or you crave physical contact. I don't know which type of panic attack this is, so I know I can't just walk over to Niall and touch him. That could make everything so much worse. Louis doesn't seem to care about that obviously. I walk towards Niall then, slowly, wary of how sensitive he may be, and crouch down on the floor next to where he's sitting on the couch. He looks down at me, eyes so frightened that it scares me too. I've never seen Niall like this.

"Hey, Ni. It's gonna be okay. Can I touch you?" I ask, making sure every move I make is approved by Niall. I don't want to make this all worse by touching him and making him panic even more. Niall looks at me for a moment, maybe thinking about it, I'm not sure, but he eventually chokes down a sob and nods at my question.

I immediately move to sit down next to him, trying to help my best friend. As soon as Niall's eyes meets mine, I wrap my arms around his torso, allowing his head fall to my shoulder. I let my fingers tangle in his soft, wavy hair, still left in its natural state from not having been styled up yet. Sobs simply shake Niall's body, and it makes me so terribly upset for him. I can't imagine why this has happened, but it's obvious Louis doesn't know how to handle it even though he seems to be the chosen one to talk Niall down. Louis doesn't know shit, and confirms that by annoyingly asking if Niall's going to be back to himself quickly because they're needed stage-side as soon as possible.

"Fuck off, Louis." Is my only response, and even though he seems shocked that I'd speak to him like that after not seeing any of the boys for so long, he recovers quickly.

"We've got to go on soon whether you want t'get pissy with me or not." Louis says, and I'm genuinely angry at him. I get that the show is important. I know that. But Niall's shaking against me and clutching onto the fabric of my clothes so tight his fingers are turning white. He's obviously not okay, and Louis doesn't seem to care. So, yeah, he can fuck off.

"That doesn't fucking matter right now. What were you even doing? Were you just gonna sit there and wait for it to stop?" I ask Louis, leaning my head against Niall's to try and comfort him when he flinches as the harshness of my words. We shouldn't be arguing right now. Niall needs my attention, not Louis. Louis, _again_ , can kindly fuck off. Louis glares daggers at me then, and seems to give up. He gets up and walks out of the room without another word. When I look up and stare at Willie harshly, silently warning him that I'm not going to be dealing with any more shit today, he turns around and follows Louis outside right away.

Niall's hiccupping and gasping for breath, not really calming down how I'd like him to. I stroke his hair with one hand softly as the other scratches his back.

"It's gonna be okay, Ni. Try to breathe with me, yeah? Nice and slow or you're gonna make yourself sick." I tell Niall, grateful when he nods and then begins to try to mimic the slow, steady breaths I'm modeling for him. Eventually, his sobs fade into a soft cry and his shaking is reduced to slight shuddering with every breath. I know he's starting to calm down, but for some reason I just can't let go of him. The soft tears coming from him make me want to cuddle him forever and keep him from harm.

Niall's head is still resting on my shoulder. He's barely got the strength to hold himself up as I rub the back of his head, still trying to comfort him. How long was he like this? A half an hour? An hour? Niall's simply _exhausted_. How could everyone watch him in pain and not even try to help him? It makes me wonder how many times this must have happened before. How many times has Niall been shaking and crying for so long that he didn’t even have the energy to hold his own head up afterwards?

We stay in this state for nearly twenty minutes until Niall has calmed down to where his cries have turned into slight sniffles, but he still rests heavily against me, letting me tangle my fingers in his hair and rub his head. The way he's soothed reminds me of a small child wanting nothing more than the company of another person. A while later, Basil comes back in, moving slowing and precisely as not to startle Niall.

"They need you, lad. Can't stall anymore." He says, shrugging off the instructions that were obviously given to him to share with Niall. It's evident he doesn't agree that Niall should be going on stage right now.

Niall lifts his head from my shoulder, nodding slightly and rubbing the leftover tears from his raw, pink cheeks. As Niall pulls away from me, we make eye contact, and I notice the blue color looking like fine crystal from the contrast of his red, irritated eyes. His breath still shudders as he starts hiccupping from his recent crying. He's slow getting up; it makes me wary of just how tired he must be. Niall's exhausted himself, and now he's going out and performing for hours. I don't think he'll be able to last the whole concert.

"Ni, I think you should get some rest." I say quietly, unsure of how he may react. What we just shared was far too intimate, and I know that he probably thinks I've overstepped my boundaries _, which I have_. He made it perfectly clear yesterday that we're not as close as we used to be. We're not the people we used to be. We aren't together. We're not even friends. That thought hurts me the most. Niall's a stranger to me now. I'm always going to love him like my best friend. He still feels like my best friend, but I can't lie and say we haven't grown insanely far apart.

Niall gives me a slight shake of the head, grabbing at the water bottle Basil's been holding out for him. I eye Basil heavily; how could he ask Niall to go on stage after that? Of course Niall's not going to sit this one out if you tell him they're expecting him to go on anyways. I know for a fact that he won't be able to make it through this show, and I'll have been the one to tell everyone that after Niall passes out from exhaustion.

"I'm fine." Niall chokes out nearly inaudibly as he slowly heads towards the door. His voice is so quiet, _small_ , that I can barely tell he's said anything at all.

I walk down the hall behind Niall, trying to stay out of the way but still keep an eye on him. A while later, after he's got his mic pack set up and is waiting in the wings, watching the opening act wrap up, I can't miss the unmistakable darkness in his eyes. Whether it's from what he just experienced or the fact that his best friends just left him there to suffer, I don't know. I just want to hold him again, _comfort him,_ and I can't possibly get the thought out of my head no matter how hard I try to forget it.

It comes into the back of mind once the boys are well into their performance: _how long has this been going on?_ When did Niall change from a bubbly, charismatic teen to this lost, lonely boy? Was it a quick change, or a process? Did the people that love him just watch helplessly as he gradually lost himself? After Niall's third unscheduled sit down on stage, I can't watch anymore. He's there physically, but his eyes are blank as if he's retreated so far inside himself that there's nothing left of him shining through to the outside.

I wander around the arena, looking for perhaps Eleanor, or the boys' families, but they're nowhere to be found. I suppose since it's the last show they wanted to watch from the crowd. That makes sense. I was supposed to be in the crowd tonight too, but I guess it just didn’t happen. It takes me a while to find any signs of life backstage, though. It's catering where I finally find a few people.

The first place my eyes are drawn to is the side of the room, where a tiny, blond toddler named Grayson Horan is playing with some crackers on his plate, breaking them up and stuffing them into his mouth afterwards anyways. Next to him I'm surprised to find Hayden Styles, politely asking Grayson to make sure he's not getting food all over the floor.

Just two inches shorter than Harry, Hayden Styles is his identical twin. If it weren't for the rich emerald tint to Hayden's eyes and the freckles on his cheeks, I wouldn't be able to tell Hayden apart from Harry without talking to them first. Physically they appear to be almost exactly the same person, but their personalities are quite different. From the four times I've met Hayden, I've realized he is much quieter than Harry, and very shy. Harry is more of a funny, cheeky person, whereas Hayden is more friendly than he is cheeky. Hayden is the literal definition of a sweetheart, and everyone he meets just seems to fall in love with his childish impeccability. It’s no wonder he's already married even though the Styles twins are just twenty-three years old.

I'm not really sure how to strike up a conversation with Hayden, but he's the only one of the few people in the room I know. I haven't spoken to him in quite some time, but he's so sweet that I'm sure he wouldn't mind talking to me. I decide to just go for it and walk over to where Grayson is babbling chattily to Hayden, demanding attention from the tall man. Seeing Grayson honestly freaks me out a bit. I still can't really process that he's Niall's son. Here he is, though, with Niall's smile and Niall's eyes. It's indisputable.

"Hayden?" I ask, drawing his attention. Hayden looks up at his name being called and finds me standing there. I'm worried for a moment he doesn’t remember me, or that he just doesn't want to speak to me because he's so silent. He gives me a soft smile, though, and it reassures me enough to sit down next to him.

"Wow; how long's it been since we saw each other last?" Hayden asks with a grin and I match it, shaking my head.

"A few years at least." I say, and Hayden thinks about it, then nods in agreement at my guess. Grayson says something I don't quite understand then, prompting Hayden to look away from me and pay attention to the little boy. Grayson's pouting lightly, maybe a bit annoying that Hayden stopped paying attention to him.

"G, c'mon, mate. Pretty please try to eat some more then we can go get Leo, okay?" Hayden says, obviously trying to bribe the toddler with something so he'll actually eat his quite full plate in front of him.

"You on baby duty?" I ask, and Hayden looks back at me with a grin. He nods slightly, but I can tell he's a little hesitant. It's almost as if he's not sure whether I know Grayson is Niall's or not.

"Niall doesn't have a nanny or something?" I ask, hoping to convey to Hayden that I'm fully aware that those tiny, little blue eyes over there come from Niall.

"G's sitter for the tour's got the flu, and I don't mind watchin' him. Lottie did it yesterday and she wanted to see the show." Hayden says, so I simply nod at his words even though I think it's incredibly kind that he's offered to watch Grayson. We talk aimlessly for a few minutes, and although Grayson doesn't say much, his presence draws my attention in ways I can't really explain. I guess his whole existence really is just a bit strange to me. It's just going to take a little while for me to wrap my head around seeing Niall as a dad. He was just a kid not too long ago, at least in my eyes. Now he's all grown up with a child of his own. It's just a lot to take in so quickly.

Something I've noticed a few times about Grayson, however, is that he's got to be at least a little ill. He's coughing every so often, and it worries me a bit. His coughs range from shallow and slight to thick and painful sounding. I'm not really sure what's wrong with him, but for some reason Hayden isn't quite as concerned as I am. Hayden isn't even as concerned as Niall was yesterday about it.

"Does he always cough this much?" I ask Hayden once Grayson's had another rough patch of coughs. Hayden gives me a sad half-smile at that.

"Not always. Usually comes in sets. I think today's just one of his bad days." Hayden tells me, but I think he can tell I'm decently concerned. Grayson doesn't seem to pay mind to the coughing, but his chest is heaving at a rate I'm not really comfortable with.

"You're really sure he's okay?" I ask, nodding my head towards the toddler. Grayson's got a coloring page next to his plate and is scribbling around with a blue crayon, a few other colors in his other hand. He doesn't seem to have any interest whatsoever in his food, and his face is flushed red from straining against another cough.

"G, you good?" Hayden asks, and Grayson gives him a confused little glance. Grayson doesn't respond directly, and I think that concerns Hayden a bit more.

"He's probably alright, but I think I'm gonna go check his ox-sat's anyways. You can come if you want." Hayden tells me, and even though I really don't know what any of that means, I accept his offer. I don't want to be left to wander around alone anymore. The boys should be off stage in a little while, but not soon enough that I wouldn't get bored walking around by myself before then. 

Hayden cleans up after Grayson and picks him up, making sure that the picture Grayson's been coloring isn't left behind. I'm not really sure where Hayden and I are walking to once we leave catering but I follow him anyway. He seems to know where he's going which is impressive to say the least considering the halls here are pretty confusing.

It's not hard to realize that the room we end up in is Niall's dressing room. It feels a bit wrong to be in here without him, his things scattered around a bit. He's got a duffle bag with clothes hanging out of it in the corner of the room and there's a worn out sweatshirt on the seat of the chair near the door. The room feels utterly lived in even though Niall's only had it for a day or two.

I watch carefully as Hayden sits Grayson on the couch in the room, pulling out a small, navy backpack from beside it. He digs through it and seems to find what he's looking for, pulling it out. It's a small, plastic device, and Hayden seems like he knows exactly what to do with it. He fiddles with it a bit then presses it onto one of Grayson's tiny fingers, asking the toddler to sit still for just a moment.

"He's fine." Hayden tells me moments later, removing the contraption from Grayson's finger.

"Is there something, like, wrong with him, though?" I ask, knowing that he can't be completely healthy. Niall's brought medical equipment with him for Grayson, and Hayden thinks it's _normal_ for the tiny boy to cough until he's red in the face. Yeah, there's something off with this baby.

"Oh, yeah. G was born pretty early so has some lung problems. Nothing too crazy; he's usually fine even if he's coughing a lot. I wouldn't worry about it." Hayden explains to me, probably noticing how concerned I am. I take particular notice to the word _usually_ in Hayden's sentence. Grayson _is usually_ fine. What about the times when he's not? I just find it really odd that Grayson's tiny lungs can rattle like that and it's nothing to worry about. I feel so bad for the little boy. Even though Hayden says he's fine, Grayson looks decently uncomfortable. I can't imagine coughing that much wouldn't at least make his throat a bit sore.

 

 

 

…

 

 

 

 

I'm not really sure how I end up watching Grayson instead of Hayden. It's all a bit rushed and I'm fairly confused about what happened, but I'm pretty sure Hayden's wife went into labor and he had to meet her at the hospital. He'd desperately asked me to watch Grayson for the remaining twenty minutes until the boys would be off stage, at which point I could give Niall his son back. Of course I said yes, not really expecting Hayden to tell me _after I agreed_ that I should probably stay near the stage and the EMTs there just in case Grayson stops breathing.

I didn't really have time to tell him I had changed my mind before he was gone, leaving a tiny toddler sleeping against my shoulder. Grayson had fallen asleep not minutes before, and I suppose that's why Hayden wasn't too worried about leaving him with me. I walk towards the stage as quickly as I can once I'm alone with Grayson, though, afraid that something crazy might happen and he might stop breathing. I can't believe Hayden would just say something that serious so quickly, then leave. I suppose I can't really blame him, though; the phone call he had just received was probably a bit frantic in nature.

I stay far enough away from the stage to where the noise won't wake Grayson up, but close enough that I can see the crowd of people there and also the area where the boys will come off stage. Once I've got my position sorted in a chair out of the way, I finally relax a bit and try to process what just happened. I look down and finally allow myself to really take in that Niall's son is sleeping against my shoulder, his light green pacifier hanging out of his mouth as he breathes peacefully. I grab his little baby blanket as it begins to slip off of him, making sure it doesn’t hit the ground. It's an incredibly pale green, nearly white, with dinosaur print tassels surrounding every edge. Once I pull it up close once I realize Grayson's name has been embroidered along the edge. It's nicely done, but obviously a hand-made item, not something that was bought.

 

_Grayson Finn_

 

That's a cute name. I couldn't really see Niall naming his son Grayson; it seems a little formal and such, but with the middle name _Finn_ it livens it up a bit. It's fairly warm in the venue, though, so Grayson doesn't really need a blanket. His cheeks are flushed just a bit pink so I just move his blanket off to the side, trying to make sure he doesn't overheat. I'm only watching the kid for twenty minutes and I'd really like those twenty minutes to be problem free.

Grayson stays asleep the whole time I'm waiting for the boys to be done. I'm not really surprised by that, honestly, because it's getting fairly late and Grayson's only two years old, still definitely young enough to go to bed hours ago.

It's a relief when I finally see the boys coming off stage. I hold my hand over Grayson ears just to muffle the insanely loud cheers that erupt from the arena. This is the last show of their tour after all. The boys look elated as they walk into the wings, sweaty and talking loudly amongst themselves as the crowd of people waiting there greet them with excited cheers. The last show of a tour is always special.

I notice then, as the small crowd of people there begin to disperse, laughing and talking to each other, that Niall's not quite as happy as everyone else. He just looks so _exhausted_. He's not talking to anyone, but he does thank someone who hands him a water bottle. Louis' laughing loudly and bantering with a man I don't know and he's so loud I'm worried it might wake Grayson. Luckily, he's walking away from where I'm sitting so his voice fades quickly as he disappears into a hallway. I decide to return Niall's son to him, then. I'm not really all that qualified to be watching him in the first place.

I get up and begin walking towards where Niall's standing in between Harry and some other person. They're talking, but Niall doesn't seem all that interested in what they're saying. The second Niall's eyes meet mine, though, I know I've done something wrong. Niall's eyes narrow in and his face contorts into some sort of expression I'm not used to seeing on him. Niall looks _angry_. He looks so angry.

"The hell?" Niall says, walking towards me quickly as soon as he realizes I've got his son. He takes Grayson from my arms, looking him over almost like he's checking to make sure the little boy is alright.

"Why the _fuck_ did _you_ have him?" Niall asks me bitterly, holding's G's head against his shoulder. I'm just incredibly shocked that Niall's talking to me like this; that he's so angry. I probably mutter out some nonsense in response. I don't know. I'm just shocked.

"Niall." Harry warns, pushing at Niall's shoulder softly as if to tell him to cut it out. Niall looks back at Harry with a glare, then gives me one more warning glance before walking away, not speaking another word. I'm left standing there silently, confused as to what just happened. I look up at Harry, trying not to be upset. I'm trying so, so hard not to be upset, but I know I've got tears brimming. Anyone with eyes would be able to tell how pissed Niall just was.

"Hey, don't be upset, okay? It's not personal. It's not about you, okay?" Harry tells me. It doesn't make me feel better, though. Niall was so pissed that I was just _holding_ his son. He was mad that _I_ was touching his son. Niall used to trust me more than anyone else and he just looked at me like there's no one he could trust _less_. This is his son, though. Grayson's got to be the most important thing in Niall's life. I'm not even a little bit close to having that much of Niall's trust right now. I don't know what I was thinking. I should have found someone else to watch Grayson the second Hayden had to leave.

"You should call your brother." I tell Harry, trying to do at least one thing right today. He looks at me decently confused, and then he looks worried. "I think his wife's having a baby." I elaborate, hoping to convey that nothing bad happened. Harry's face lights up and he's immediately thanking me and heading back towards the dressing rooms, the same direction Niall went in. I suppose he doesn't have his phone on him.

I'm crying a bit then. Just a tear or two, but they're there. I wipe them away before anyone sees hopefully. I don't mean to be upset. I know Harry just said it wasn't personal, but that doesn't make much sense to me. If Hayden had been holding Grayson, not me, Niall wouldn't have reacted like that. So, it was personal. It was me. Niall was pissed that I was watching his son. That's personal. I don't care what Harry says.

I'm just going to leave Niall alone. It's obvious he doesn't want to talk to me. He doesn't want me to be in his life anymore. Maybe it was silly and a bit naïve that some part of me felt as if coming here might change something between Niall and I. That once I saw Niall again we'd fall back into our old pattern and he'd be my best friend again. Something's different now, though. I wasn't there for Niall when he probably needed it most, and now he doesn't want anything to do with me. I suppose I deserve that.

I notice then that Grayson's blanket is still draped over the chair I was just sitting in, right where I left it. Maybe I can give it to one of the boys to pass along to Niall. Maybe. I just know I don't want to see Niall anymore. He's pissed at me and I don't want to make him even more frustrated by bothering him for the millionth time in the past two days. I wipe away another tear as I turn back towards the chair, hoping to just pass the blanket along so I can leave now and just forget this ever happened.

I reach for the soft fabric, starting at where Grayson's name is stitched into the surface. A lot of love must have been put into this blanket. I can imagine why. I can see the way Niall looks at his son. I know it probably just scared him that Grayson wasn't where Niall thought he was. I suppose that might have struck a nerve, but I really don't think Niall should've reacted that harshly when he could already clearly see that Grayson was perfectly fine.

I'm wiping at my eyes fervently, trying to make sure no one will be able to tell that I've been crying. I can't really help the tears, though. I hear my name being said behind me so I turn around, grateful to see Willie standing there. I can give the blanket to him. There's a few of Niall's other friends with him, some of them related to Niall as well. It intimidates me quite a bit, and I think Willie notices that I'm uncomfortable with them all staring at me.

I'm grateful when Willie leaves the group he's in and walks around to the other side of me, allowing me to turn my back to the group of people who are now chatting amongst themselves. They didn't really seem to be paying much attention to me anyway.

"I saw that. With Niall." Willie tells me, and I just shrug. I don't want to cry anymore so I'm just going to suck it up, try not to let anymore tears fall while Willie's looking at me.

"Look, I'm only telling you this because it's obvious you still care about 'em." Willie pauses, obviously referencing that he saw at least a few of my tears no matter how hard I tried to hide them, in addition to what I did earlier when Niall was having a panic attack. "Give him another chance. When things aren't going with his plan it can be overwhelming for him. I promise that even though he might have seemed angry at you, he was just scared, okay? You've just got to be patient." Willie says. He sound so serious. It's almost like he knows something I don't about Niall. It sounds like something's wrong with him. Something's making Niall act different to how he used to. Something's off. Maybe it really doesn't have anything to do with me.

"Is he okay?" I ask, trying to see if Willie will give me any more details. He doesn't seem to understand my question, though. He looks confused.

"I mean- Is there something off with him? Something, like- Something serious?" I ask, not really sure what else would cause such a dramatic change in Niall. That kind of anxiety is nothing like Niall's ever had before. That look I saw at first in his eyes wasn't anger; it was panic. I never want to see Niall with panic in his eyes ever again. I can't believe I was the one that caused it.

"It's not really my place to talk about it. But I can tell you that he probably feels really shitty about what he just did. I know it's hard, but if you really, really care about Niall, you should go talk to him. Tell him he didn't upset you. Or tell him you forgive him. I know it seems weird, and I know you've got no reason to listen to me, but if you love him, that's what I'd do. I promise he wasn't trying to hurt your feelings." Willie says. I'm worried then, for Niall. I'm so worried for him. Whatever's going on seems to be deeper than just a bad day. If he snapped that horribly at me because of anxiety there's got to be something more at the root of the problem. I love Niall, though, of course I do. He was my best friend. I'll always love him. I don't want to make anything worse, so I just agree with Willie, thank him, and make my way to Niall's dressing room, clutching the soft fabric of Grayson's blanket between my fingers.

 


End file.
